Getting it all out before 09

Nobody reads this thing anyway so here is a list of things that I have to get off my chest before I begin my 09.

1. I really stopped messing with one of my exes...we'll call her Duck... cuz the sex was extremely sub-par and since I was no longer in love with her I felt like I didn't have to deal with it anymore. I mean come on. I should not have to fake it with a woman. RE-DAMN-DICULOUS.
2. My ex-girlfriend (another one) is engaged to be married and is moving out of state to be with the woman. I'm not jealous, I just think that after the hell I put her through she jumped on the first somebody that showed her some love. I've apologized for that and I've been forgiven so I accept it. What blows me, however, is that when we were dating she resembled Alicia Keys...and now she resembles Drew Carey.
3. I'm fucking this chick that I don't necessarily consider attractive but is great in bed. But I'm gonna stop fucking her now cuz she fixed me breakfast and called me "baby" one too many times. That doesn't make me wanna stay. It scares me.
4. I have a friend with some kind of muscular disorder. Because of it her hands and feet are deformed. All I wanna to is slap her and tell her that she doesn't have to try so hard, cuz I'd still be her friend even if she didn't offer kush on the regular. But I don't think u can undo something that has been done for years.
5. I think my mother's illness hurts me more than my own does and I don't think I'll ever be fully healed until I get far far away...so I'm planning my escape.
6. I don't have the heart to tell one of my best friends that as much as I love her we will never sleep together.
7. When I sleep with someone, I can tell when they're mind is somewhere else. I can also tell when they're heart is somewhere else.
   
8. I say shit I know will turn people on...but I've only sent less that decent photos to one person...okay two...okay three... yeah three, that's my final answer. lol. (only one guy though)
9. Sexuality isn't about "dick" or "pussy" to me. It's about love.
   
10. In the year 2008, I have only slept with one person I have some semblance of feelings for.
11. In the year 2008, I have tripled the notches on my proverbial belt.
12. Trying to wife (or be wifed by) all but one of those people would be as pointless as trying to buy a car from a bike shop. Nice people, I guess, just not what I want.
13. The "but one" is involved with someone else. I didn't ask. Didn't have to. Wanted to spare him the awkwardness of telling me.
    
14. That works for me very well because I couldn't attempt something with him anyway.
15. I wouldn't be able to attempt anything cuz I honestly believe what's for me is written and has been revealed to me.
16. I fell in love with a girl when I was 16 and never fell out.
    
17. Everybody knows. I "pretend" like it's a secret but it's not. It's evident. Painfully so. Sue me. :-)
18. I haven't told her about my sexcapades. Prolly never will. Cuz it's soooo irrelevant. Most of these hoes I'm fuckin with (I only say hoes cuz I don't feel like naming names individually) would become dust if she walked into the room.
    
19. I'll probably never ever call anyone if I'm having an episode. Cuz it's nobody's business, and I'll be looked at as nuts.
    
20. I'm gonna be famous on 2009! Mark my words...whether its from my book or my album or my sex tape, before January 1, 2010, I will be, at the very least, a ghetto superstar.
    

I'm done. That was totally self indulgent. lol who gives a damn?! Happy New Year snitches!

Fight or Flight

I fucked up some real good shit.
And I couldn't do anything but watch it fall.
Then it ran.
Far far away.
And I can't help but think
that if it was as good as I thought it was
it would've understood.
and Stayed.

Swingers

Mkay maybe I should explain my moods. My love has a very dangerous job so when I don't hear from her for about 2 or 3 days I flip because in her line of work she could very well be dead. Dramatic? yeah. but that's me. So I'm like sitting here trying to convince myself that she's okay while attempting to be like...present in daily life and cursing her for taking the damn job in the first place. Oh and it doesn't help that she doesn't get holidays off and I won't see her til next July. And mama worries. Cuz clearly there's nobody over there to take care of my baby. SO I do as much as I can via the internet and care packages and hope it's enough to last her til she can be where she needs to be.

Yeah that's some cake shit.

Fuck u and kiss my ass. lol.

Peace.

Not today. I'll holla at u folks tomorrow. Maybe. If I feel like it. But probably not. This is some BULLSHIT. That's all u need to know. Peace.

Thanksgiving...

My fat ass ate so much!

I went to church last night...all night. I have to say it was a rather rewarding experience. When I got home I was inspired to write the most moving piece of my life. Sad part is it was a letter. lol. I sent it to my boo(corninness, I know, but we'll refrain from using names on here). I hope she gets it as I meant it and doesn't take it as some big ole dumb love letter. I mean, it was heavy. Scripture quotes and everything. I let my G Isis read it and she said she almost cried. Now Isis is a nigga like me (lol) so I know if she almost cried it's something special. Who knows, maybe if I make an album it'll be an interlude...perhaps the intro. It reveals all of me, and that's what I strive to do in my poetry so...yeah.

Don't really have a topic tonight I just wanted to drop a line and let y'all know that I was on a whole other level today. Peace.

Ying Yang

Re: Word Vomit

In midnights when you look me up
and involuntarily begin blessing me with the
lyric of your subconscious
you always end it with apology
you call it word vomit
and if that’s the case then
that means you swallowed the passion in my sentences
and your insides couldn’t take it
i was too patron for you
too 1800 strong for you

see in my sleep I dreamt of you
but in my dreams I slept with you
right there next to me
sharing the same breath
so close in naked stillness
that the spaces between us trembled and
wetness was all around us
like Katrina had come back to visit
and it was nothing sexual at all
it was so transcendental that your inner being
came out and rose above me
and challenged me to love you better
than anyone had ever done
and I accepted
because I wanted with you what chrisette called golden
but not that exactly because gold’s too soft
and I cant take the chance of this love bending

so lets call it platinum
and they can try to scratch it up but they’ll never dent it
and when they’re finished
exhausted from trying to disassemble this thing
we’ll take it and clean it and shine it
and wear it like wedding rings
but just the metaphor
cuz we don’t need a symbol to represent
the factuality of our shit
where love is so pure that I have
past future perfect visions of things that aint even happened yet
slow dancing with you on my kitchen countertop
to the music our parents made love to
making love to you in ways
our parents never would’ve thought to do

see I wanna reach inside of you with my hands and pull out your love
spread my face in it and go through my day
letting your affection drip from my chin
drying and casing my skin along the way
questions coming, like maybe she’s born with
or maybe its cover girl
no baby she’s in love with this girl

if you said follow me to the moon
I’d make you wait for me while I built us a rocketship
to make our trip that much smoother
I was created to make your life uncomplicated
but if youre regurgitating the things im telling you
instead of retaining it then obviously
i haven’t stated my mission clearly enough
and the execution of my intention isn’t real enough to you
when I said "not now" I thought that implied I was coming back for you
and if I gotta swim laps or chase trains
stow-away in planes or give every penny I’ve ever made to an international taxi cab
i'm coming, red eye to our lovespace

Re:Re: Word Vomit
In daylight when I look you up
and uncontrollably bring my hearts words
to the forefront of my conscious pen
I end it with apology
and call it word vomit
but that's only the case because I'm so full of the passion in your sentences
that I can't help but regurgitate it like good news
it's not too strong for me
it's so right it can't be wrong for me I...

often wonder if we really meet in our dreams
if our hearts and minds feel the same things
REM giving way to we
with matching drums as heartbeats
exposed but encapsulated in this thing
outside matter repelled
like the waves around us are a force field
like we were in the midst of Katrina without a faulty dam
and it may not have been sexual but it was for damn sure a mind fuck
cuz I had multiple cerebral orgasms
then looked down at you from the top of the highest one
and just wanted you to be there with me
so I pulled you up and made u come...
like no one had ever done...
and you let me take you there
because I wanted to prove to you
that what we had wasn't golden like Chrisette
but more of a body and soul thing like Anita
or a daydreaming thinkin' of you thing like Aretha

but not really cuz daydreams imply
that this thing is an impossibility
and I'll be damned if this ain't real
so let's call it a bliss induced picture of future reality
that's already been painted in the sky and written with the stars
and nobody will be able to touch it
cuz their arms don't stretch that far
and when they exhaust all Icorice like attempts to touch our Orion
we'll look at them and laugh cuz our shit will still be shinin'
and fuck eternity bands we'll just kneel on Saturn's rings
and thank God for the synodic nature of this thing
where perfect love is so possible
that we can safely plan our 10 year anniversary
undulating with you in our oversized bathtub
creating our own damn music
formulating the songs our kids parents made love to
exploring things so foreign our kids would be embarrassed if they knew

See, all I want is for you to reach inside me
extract my core like sap from a tree
wear my soul like a scarf to keep your neck warm
keep u that way
heat you up so your face remains red the whole day
answering all questions with ease cuz I make u feel easy, breezy, and beautiful
and not give a damn cuz frankly I'm in love with you too

And I wouldn't ask you to follow me to the moon
if I didn't have a map and some tools
cuz I know u like to make me comfortable
and who am I not to let you
I was created to complete you.
and even though I spit this back to you
every sound you have ever made permeates my pores
I hear you and I know what u say is true
and I know u said not now with the intentions of coming back.
But saying not now don't mean I don't love u now
just as much as I will when you return
See, I don't want u to swim laps I got a boat baby
and if you're trying to catch a train I got my SUV blocking the tracks
u ain't gotta stow-away on no planes I got u a first class ticket
and I owe u a cab ride anyway
so any time any day
u get ready I'm prepared to meet you half way
and we can continue on to our lovespace
together.

Yeah...

Proposition 8

Whaddup people.

Aight let's get straight to it. Proposition 8. For those of you who don't know, Proposition 8 is basically a proposition by the California State gubment to ban gay marriage.What kind of BULLSHIT?!

I'm sorry, but as much as people debate this shit and protest gay marriage I can't help but think to myself "What right is it of anyones to get in my damn business this serious." I mean damn, keeping it all the way funky, if I wanna eat pussy for the rest of my damn life why does that offend you? Do I protest when I see u and your fat ass girlfriend go into the all you can eat buffet and eat it all? NO.

What if somebody proposed a ban on fat people marriage because there are starving children in Africa? Sounds crazy but think about it. What if somebody decided that a married couple could only weigh a combined total of 400lbs or the marriage would be rendered null and void? That's stupid right? STUPID.

Mkay, the main concern of the public is that allowing gays to marry will tarnish the sanctity of the institution of marriage.

*blink*

*blink*

WHAT?! Are u serious? Let me break it down so it can forever and consistently be broke (Love Jones quote. ha.) Cheating tarnishes the sanctity of marriage, addictions tarnish the sanctity of marriage, lack of communication tarnishes the sanctity of marriage. Point blank, the institution of marriage is tarnished by BEHAVIORS, not GENDERS. Oh, and for those people who will throw Bible verses in my face, u can kill that noise. For real. I respect peoples beliefs. I really do. However, there was this little thing the U.S. implemented awhile back, you may have heard of it. It's called the seperation of church and state. This means that religious teachings should hold no ground whatsoever in this matter.

On a more personal note, though often times I won't say it, I am in love. I am in love with a wonderful person who just so happens to be female. Out of respect for her and our situation (long story) I won't get into why we're not together, but I will say that, if given the legal opportunity, I'd marry her happily. It pisses me off that a choice that should be mine and mine alone has been turned over to the damn gubment. See, even if she gets down on TWO knees plans the most elaborate proposal known to man and I say YES, it won't mean shit. It's a sad day when your inability to persue your life, your liberty, and your happiness, alienates you from the rest of the world.

As a woman who has invested years into forming a strong foundation for a relationship, as a woman who is at her best when I'm loving her, it befuddles me how something that I consider sacred could possibly be viewed as an abomination. She is my inspiration. And I honestly wouldn't have it any other way. It was decided that I should love her. This is not a CHOICE. Loving her is not a fuckin' CHOICE. When you fall in love it is not a CHOICE. And if u should happen to fall in love with someone of your same sex, that doesn't make it any less real.

However, if you make the choice to make it "official" you also make the choice to not be recognized as next of kin in the event of emergency. You run the risk of not being able to be the legal guardian to all of your children, and so much other stuff that dehumanizes you.

It dehumanizes you because the cheater, the beater, the molester, hell even the killers have basic human rights. Rights to a spouse thought they take them for granted, rights to a family though they scar them, rights to conceive children, fuck them up, claim to be reformed and then regain those children.

Because of who I love, we are not the same I am a martian (Weezy F. BABAY!) and the US of A has no fuckin clue what to do with me.

*raises hand*

I have an idea! They can get the fuck out my Kool-Aid and let me live my life.

Peace Y'all.

Some Type of Rapture

U ever been caught up in a real life lust thing?
A
damn it's wrong
but it's gotta be right cuz it's so strong
try to fight it but u can't get enough thing?
I mean
logically
I should probably
uphold the standards of morality
that I know are ingrained in me
but...
it's just not that fuckin' simple
cuz when daylight's tired of fighting
darkness it just kinda...gives in
and sin wins
and the next thing I know
all I can think about are
interlocking limbs
and kissing til my tongue
is so exhausted it becomes numb and
begs for repreve from me
and he...
stirs in me this thing
that manifests itself in wetness
and forgoes all forms of political correctness
and all that can calm my internal storm
is his silent thunder
his muted monsoon winds
and more than what's going on
I anticipate what will happen when
two minutes after this moment
he takes me and devours me with the yearning in his eyes
parts my thighs
buries his weapon of unmatched pleasure inside
and it's presence fills me
I love when he feels me
tighten and release
and deprive him of the control he seeks
and he's past the point of coherent speech
but I get the message
not so much peaceful as it is a war declaration
and it's not so much his hands as it is the look on his face and...
in those critical seconds I wave a white flag of surrender
and I'm so happy that he's claimed victory
that I ride the first horse in his celebratory stampede
and when we've reached the end of the parade route
I hop off and strut my ass out
like what happened never happened
pretend it's not even a memory
cuz this don't got shit to do with real love
it's an uncontrollable lust thing.

Yep. Sometimes it just be's like that. :-)

Real Life Ninja Shit

Mkay one thing y'all gon learn about me is that I keeps it funky. All the way 100% funky. So with that said, I got some shit on my mind.

After I'd been home for awhile my cousin and I decided to go on a mission. U know, a female mission. (She was looking for her man). By this time I had grown fond of herbal remedies (weed) so when we finally locate this negro first thing I said was "Smoke somethin." He took us over his guy house so we could cop. His guy came out the crib saw me in my skinny jeans and sorority jacket and that, my friends, is where the trouble began. lol.

He started shooting his shot at me. You know, saying typical ninja shit. Nothing outta the ordinary. "Damn ma u look good can I get to know u " u know, that type shit. I started to shut his ass down straight out the gate but it was something about this cat, with his dusty ass clothes, yellow ass teeth, and flip ass mouth that intrigued me. So me, figuring I had nothing to lose really, just gave the nigga my number.

We texted most of that that day and the convo was strictly sexual. My plan was to get him all hot and shit then stop his ass cold. Hey, it's fucked up but we all do it sometimes. People can provide an AMAZING source of amusement. But then he got me. I went in for the kill and he flipped it on me so serious I had to respect him for his mind power. I decided to change up the game plan and keep him around as a friend. Hell, best case scenario he'd be another weed man for the list.

Then something changed. He texted me everyday always had good conversation and was just putting his best face forward. So I started going over to see him. We'd sit in my car with a sack and a pack of 'rillo's and just smoke and talk for hours. He didn't flinch when I told him about my illness, so I, in turn, excused the fact that he was recently released from jail. (for attempted murder no less! dum dum, I know)

Physically, I wasn't attracted to him AT ALL. Hell, I'm still not. lol. But ladies u know that the more u get to know a cat the more appealing they become. So what started as a friendship escalated to a kiss, which escalated to more kisses, which escalated to my head being stuck in the back of a couch while he hit that shit doggystyle.

I ain't gon front, as lesbianic as I am I know good D when I run across it and trust me, the D was GOOOOOOOD. lol.

But then shit started changing. He started keeping more erratic hours, calling me and only wanting to fuck, or calling me and having me outside his house kicking it. Now I'm a cultured summamabitch. By that I mean that if we on this level u need to take me somewhere besides the damn hood. But he kept saying he couldn't leave the "trap" the "block". Even with all this it wasn't til he stuffed a mysterious bag down my pants while "giving me a hug" that I realized this nigga was a bonafide Snowman. Talk about reality check!

Aight, admittedly I'm kinda green so initially my realization was exciting to me. Ooooohhhh I'm fuckin a hustla type exciting. Don't front like you've never wanted to call yourself a real ride or die chick. I don't know how the hell it happened but all of a sudden I wanted to be there for this nigga. Be his rock be his baby mama all that shit.

Luckily before I could run too far with those blinders on I met another cat who opened my eyes. Just in terms of letting me know that there was actually somebody out there who could meet me on all levels. This cat didn't smoke, didn't like it when I smoked and just, in general challenged me to be better. Wasn't no slippin' or sleeping on this dude. And I liked that. Not even on no sexual shit I just enjoyed being in the company of someone who I felt was on my level.

Long story short thug nigga's time with me had been reduced severely. I never claimed him as my man nor did I ever plan to but I guess if a nigga put 2, 3 dollas in yo tank every now and then they yo man. HA.

Y'all this nigga flipped the script! Started calling my phone cussing me out all the time and when I DID see his ass (to smash of course) he started trippin' over condoms. On some "Mmmhm u fuckin somebody else." AND AT THE TIME I WASN'T!...well not any dude. lol. He knew about my relations with women and that was cool.

Major turning point came about a coupla weeks ago. He was writing on my fb wall getting all wreckless and shit texting me all crazy. But I was cool until he called me something I don't think I'll ever forget. He reached deep down in his soul and called me a "selfish, psycho bitch" Yep. At that point he couldn't even get a friendly text message outta my ass. I was done. So done. Through.

But then...lol. yeah he caught me while I was crying and upset. Said he missed me and wanted to see me. And y'all know what I said? Yep I said yes. So here I am on this nigga mission tonight with my G (hey ISIS) going to see this nigga.

Y'all.

Y'all.

Would u believe this nigga was 10 minutes late, got there, stayed for 5 minutes then said I'll be right back...and u know in my head I'm like okay this nig on bull. So I gave him 10 minutes. 10 minutes passed and he didn't come back. So I peaced out.

Which brings me to the moral of my story.

Ladies, never, EVER lower your standards or your draws for a sub-par nigga. Even if y'all are just "on some fuck shit". Cuz if u get caught up with this nigga and can't even explain to yourself why, you're screwed. And you're sitting up at 2:15 in the am like me blogging about some trife miscellaneous dick .

I hope u use me as an example of what not to do ladies, cuz trust me, my lesson is LEARNED.

peace.

Whuddown?

Who am I? They call me brother to the night, but right now I'm the blues in your left thigh tryina become the funk in your right...

I keed I keed. Gotta love the "Love Jones" quotes though. I'm LaDonna, and I am the greatest poet of my time. But I don't have time for stage names or images or head wraps or any of the things people think a poet should be. I do what and who I want anytime the spirit compels me. Don't believe me? Ask my ex girlfriend.

I'm misunderstood quite often. That pisses me off. Cuz I'm so open. How is it possible to misunderstand someone who places themself, all of themself, before you and just says "Here I is!"

But I digress. I'll do that often, digress. But hopefully somebody gets what the hell I'm saying.

I took a medical leave about 2 semsters before I was set to graduate. I was doing well too (by some peoples standards). I had a townhouse, a dog, a steady girlfriend, a decent job, an excellent GPA, and I was in a sorority making major moves.

Then the walls came tumbling down. Lost it all except the dog. Well, I won't say I lost it. I gave it up. Now I'm back home, jobless, moneyless, with nothing but a notepad and a dream. Which leads me into my actual rambling for the day, my notebook and my dream.

I'm in love. In love with the sound a pencil makes when it hits paper and begins to carve out words. In love with bleeding life into computer screens as I stroke letters. In love with the furious pounding and massive adrenaline rush that comes when my mind finally works up the courage to send the signal to my hand that it's ready to spew forth complete, prolific thoughts.

I often question what the hell I was thinking when I let my life go. I know now. I was in love, and every day I lived my old life, every moment spent administering meds to a kid or cooking for my girl or making some bullshit ass flyer for the latest sorority program was taking my love from me. It's difficult to love when you're living a life you're uncomfortable with. SO I said FUCK IT, got in my car with my dog and my notebook, a coupla pairs of clean draws, and left that life. I left it all behind for my love.

See, I have been in love before, but this feeling trumps any love I could ever have with any woman or man. Right now I'm kicking myself, cuz I'm broke as all hell, but aside from the pressures that the outside world put on me, I've never, ever felt more free. Love will do that to you, at least the kind of love that matters.

Me and my love made a baby. Yep, a 12 page book that's all ours. I'm so proud. We've also done a coupla shows. We haven't really got the performing thing down, but thanks to a few key assholes in my life I'm sure that will change. So yeah, life sux but... love is good. And that's alright with me.

I wouldn't be me if I didn't give u something to chew on so here's a piece I wrote not too long ago. If u feel it great if u don't fuck you. lol.

Lust to Dust

Tonight we said farewell.

I lay with you in silence
and fearful anticipation
because I knew
and you said
that this would be the last time.

U drank me in
dark eyes penetrated my flesh
the only part of me that you'd ever possessed
and I trembled
as those rough hands
carved melancholy benedition into my body.
My insides wept
but I was ready.


You entered me slowly
deliberately
with finality
and broke every promise echoed silently in our union
turned them all into beautiful lies
passionate goodbyes
moans and cries
and my insides wept
because I was ready.

U held me close
gripped my torso
while observing my twisted pleasure in your mirror.
I, in turn, gave you all of me.

It was the most terrible satisfaction.
The best worst feeling ever engrained into creation.
Because our climax
became our epilogue.

And all too soon
the beginning
was
the end.

peace.