The Ultimate

I debated fucking with this topic for fear of what might come out but ya know? I wouldn't be a writer if I strayed away from the uncomfortable. And I wouldn't be human if I didn't admit my flaws.

I am the other woman. I am. In fact, I'm the perfect other woman. Trained by the best to be the best at what it is I do. I'm about to launch into nostalgic soliloquy for a minute but I promise it has a purpose. so just walk with me, k?

When I was about...13, I got my heart broke. Though I was only 13, it stayed with me. It doesn't hurt now, but to this day, even though I'm convinced it had something to do with his terminal assholishness, it stuck with me. I always felt like I was to blame for it. After him I had like... 4 or 5 bullshit ass relationships. You know nothing special just some young hot shit. No sex though. It was during the last of these relationships that I met the person who would forever change my life. Duck was 5'2, athletic, funny, crazily attractive, and female. Before I knew it I had fallen again. My poor lil boyfriend didn't know what hit him. In all of two weeks Duck had my ass, hook, line, and sinker. Because I'd only experienced heartbreak at the hands of a boy I had no clue that girls were capable of the same thing. OH, but they were. About 2 months into my blissful coming out affair Duck had cheated on me with one of my best friends (I hate that bitch to this day). But... I could not shake Duck. I loved her hard. And somehow, like I did with the guy, I convinced myself that I was to blame. Like, if I could just have been everything she wanted, she'd realize that I was everything she needed and she'd come back to me. It was there that I began my training.

It wasn't easy, at first, knowing that when the girlfriend walked into the room I had to move my hand or watch my speech. But I got used to it, I guess. As used to it as one can get. I learned how to shut the fuck up and just be there for her. I learned how to go out of my way for her and not expect anything in return. I learned how to make a person feel as if they're the most valuable thing on this Earth. Every relationship I entered into after her has been destroyed by what I feel/ felt for her. In my relationships, she came first. I am the ultimate other woman.

Now that I no longer deal with her in that capacity I realize that she's created the ultimate jumpoff. Here's why.

1. Most importantly, pussy game proper. And by pussy I don't just mean intercourse or strapping up. I mean anything u want me to do I can and will do and I do it well. Take that back U will not use me as a toilet seat. period.
   
2. My job is to cater to you. When I'm with someone, it's very rarely about me. It's about what I can do to make them feel the best they've ever felt. I'm not talkin' sexually I'm talkin esteem wise. I make u feel like there's nothing you can't do.
3. I don't ask questions. Plain and simply, I just don't want the damn answers. And though, at times, I may catch feelings, they aren't important so how I feel is irrelevant.
   
4. I don't trip if plans change or I'm set on the backburner. I'm used to it. I don't jap or go hard. Not my place.
5. Lastly, and certainly one of the most crucial jumpoff rules, I know my place. You will never catch me going through e-mails, answering phones, confronting your girl, demanding shit, none of that. I really don't like the drama.

I've trained myself to love it. To feel empowered when I see pics of the people I've dealt with with ther siginifigant others because I know the "truth". To laugh at the chicks smiling happily in pictures because they're blissfully ignorant. To walk in the background. To get the midnights and the booty calls and to be fine with getting no affection outside of a lust filled union. I've trained myself not to want hugs or hand holding and who needs dates anyway, cuz it's not like they're extraordinary. And plus I've only been on one so it's not like I can miss something I never really had. I've been trained to love being the woman that's done in the dark. :-)


...
.....
.......I hate this shit.

In a Sentimental Mood

Yeah I'm in a sentimental mood. Sue me. Every now and then I climb down from my nigga logic and step lightly through Tollhouse type sweetness. The person I love...I guess we'll call her S. Anyway S and I have this habit of piggybacking off eachother.She'll write then I'll write or I'll write and then she'll write and the pieces end up kinda...matching. I think it's cool. Here are two we wrote some time ago. Mine is first because I wrote first, then about a week later she came to me with her words, so hers is last. We never title the things we do together but I like to call these pieces "Hapstatic"

No way around it
you...
make me...
happy
and if at your worst you're love
then at your best you're more than enough
to keep me
I believe that loving somebody this hard
for so long
is a miracle
and that definition fits this subject
cuz you are a blessing
and everyday I get to love you, well,
that's grace and mercy in theory and in practice
often times I go driving at night
stop in a secluded area
look up at the stars and wish on each and every one
then I slingshot messages of comfort and love across the night to you
in hopes that they land at your feet
you make me happy
like...new york cherry ice cream on a summer day
when I got my hair did and I'm in my favorite outfit type happy
like winter nights filled with
chili and hot chocolate a movie and a warm blanket type happy
or if that's too simple...
you make me happy like...
posthumous awards for revolutionaries that the world has finally recognized
or... discoveries of evidence people thought lost
which lead to answers
which finally lead to peace of mind
like...climbing stairways to heaven
tripping
sliding back about 4 steps
and having to relive part of this amazing journey
it's like...feeling then feeling again
the same way you felt
when you first realized
that you were in the middle of something different
special
real and untouchable
u make me happy
because even in absence it was decided for me that I should love you
that you'd be the one to make me happy
and though I don't frequently enjoy
decisions about my life being taken out of my hands
I was cool with it this time
because God took it in her hands
so I'd like to thank
both her and you
for making and keeping me happy.

And she responded:

If I make u happy
Then u make me
Ecstatic
Like a schematic of the galaxy
When all I needed was a 9 planet layout for my 5th grade
Solar system project
Like the winning lottery ticket
When all I prayed for
Was for a way for my ends to meet
And like
Lifelong lasting romance
When all I needed was a friend
Or if that’s too simple
You make me ecstatic
Like overjoyed
Like stevie’s simplest melody
Unchained and let loose over
Lyrical fantasias
You make me ecstatic like
Mutinously overthrowing pragmatic sanction
That I don’t agree with
And being rewarded by my people
Angela, Assata and amiri
Calling me revolutionary
Instead of the governor calling me parolee
And a call from the governor saying
We have chosen a day to honor
The sons and daughters of the revolution
Because we have come to conclusion
That martin luther the king wasn’t no one man show
And we are honoring your father for
Never riding in the heat of the back
Of a georgia bus
Before rosa parks was ever indicted
And we are honoring your mother
For trying to vote before any
Constitutional amendment was ever signed
You make me ecstatic like
My mama seeing me work for my degree
And checks to my daddy every month
Memo’d “thanks for raising me”
Ecstatic like my grandparents on their 70th wedding anniversary
And myths of black love becoming extinct
Being written out of history
Or if that’s not simple enough
You make me ecstatic
Like happy
Like summertime after the spring
Like the wedding after the ring
And like forever after the fling
You make me happy,
Like simply
You and me
And jill scott on the stereo and
Tree burning aromatherapy
So yeah I make u happy but,
You make me ecstatic.

Yep. She got me on that one. But it's cool, I'll take the L. She was actually the first person to make me wanna burn my notebook. The first time I really heard her spit I couldn't believe that all that power came out of this lil pipsqueak. lol. Maybe I was just hating cuz she beat me in the contest. Oh gimme a break it was 3rd grade. Met when we were 8, fell in love at 16. Since then we've kinda been stuck with eachother. And that's cool. Wouldn't trade her for the world.

Peace.

Believe in Love, Damnit!

Okay, this has gone on long enough. All of my closest friends have, at some point this week, told me that they don't believe in love. Even the person I am in love with has told me she doesn't believe in love. When I asked for the reasons why the answers have varied. One of my friends even said "it's a chemical imbalance" (u ignent for that shit btw). But the conclusion was the same. It all boiled down to "I've been hurt, so I don't believe in love."

To this, I say, respectfully, GET THE FUCK OFF THE BULLSHIT.

Listen, and listen good. When you say you don't believe in love, you don't mean you don't believe in love. What you mean is that you're scared of being hurt again, which is understandable. However, you cannot let the fear of pain get in the way of what u stand to gain if you just...believe.

All people walking this Earth are just that, only people. We all fuck up. We do. And it is only in understanding that that we can accept situations for what they are. To you, Raekwon may be labeled "love of my life", but to Raekwon, he's just Raekwon. And u labeling him differently won't take away from the fact that he is who he is. Similarly, if Raekwon dubs u the love of his life are u gonna change your behaviors to reflect that title? NO. You will still be Koko. (btw all these names were made up in my ghetto fantasies...they are not real people). And reality is that before Raekwon, Koko fucked with Malik, Dayshawn, had a baby by Lil Nutsack, etc. There were situations before the one you were in. Why? Because your love's life did not begin with you.

Often times u set yourself up for bullshit. You meet someone, are swept off you feet, THEY fuck up, and then u walk around thinking that everyone is the same. So rather than judge Raekwon for who he is, u judge him for who Malik is. U walk in hating Malik and dooming your relationship with Raekwon. Then when u push him away after the most miniscule fuck up you're hating him and wondering why he leeeeeaaaaving. But, rather than placing the blame on yourself, rather than looking to see how u can change your mindset to make it better, u blame it on the thing that can't defend itself. And now yo silly ass hates love. Ole bitter ass bag lady.

And Raekwon, you not no better. Koko ain't Shatawna. U cannot hope to establish a foundation with Koko if u got 3 chicks on the side because Shatawna hurt u so much that u decided to be a playa. It don't work like that. Get your shit figured out before you attempt a real relationship. Because it's not fair to you, it's not fair to Koko, and it's not fair to love.

Please stop with the bitter act. It's tired and unnecessary. I am someone who has been very unfortunate in love. But I'm not blaming it on love. I've just come across some real assholes, and I've been a really big asshole. Love didn't fuck me over. Duck fucked me over. Love didn't fuck Bunny over, I fucked Bunny over. And I took those situations and dealt with them. Now Duck and I and Bunny and I are best friends, and my abulity to love is still intact.

I realize I rambled but my point is: Stop saying you don't believe in love and be specific. Because making that genrealization makes you a self fulfilling prophecy, and gives u license to fuck up every good thing placed in front of you.

peace.